Hello Blog babies! It's Heather again. Lets talk about some lady stuff. Nana, Grandpa, stop reading now. Thanks.
Growing up there was an urban legend about a friend's mom who's uterus fell out as she was waiting in line for a movie. Even before I knew what a uterus was, this scared me. I had heard of the tooth fairy, but I had never heard of a magical creature who gave you a dollar when you put your uterus under your pillow. So I figured it was probably not something that was supposed to fall out. I grew even more horrified when I actually learned what a uterus was, and even more terrified when I learned where it would have to have fallen from. I had nightmares of my poor friend's mother waiting in line to see Home Alone. She would scream in agony as a bloody slug thing slid down the leg of her acid wash mom jeans. Even worse were the dreams where mine fell out in front of my entire 4th grade class. (Most kids had dreams of forgetting their homework, of going to school naked. I had this one) Eventually I stopped thinking about the mom jeans. The nightmares stopped, and I filed the story away with all the other things I didn't believe in. The Easter bunny, Santa, the boogie man, Jesus, and a loose baby box. These were all just things designed by grown ups to scare me into behaving.
When I was 18 a friend from work invited me to a "slumber party". Slumber party? Sure! Manicures, pillow fights, taunting dangerous and evil spirits with ouijia boards? I'm in! I was quite upset to discover that "slumber parties" were actually more like tupperware parties. Only instead of plastic containers, it was pink glittery dildos, and lubricants. I sat uncomfortably as the woman leading the party described in horrific detail the uses for every product in their vast catalog. When she got to something called "anal ease", I began frantically searching for an exit from my seat. Nothing. No escape. Next she held up a small bejewled case, and opened it to reveal two small metal balls. A thin lipped smile spread slowly, and ominously over her face. "ladies, these little wonders are designed to keep you tight. These are like little weights for your vagina. I've been using them so long, I can even juggle mine!" A deep shudder rose from the very core of my existence. This woman was visibly dirty. And though I tried desperately not to, I couldn't help but think about this sad woman's vagina as she explained the importance of keeping your lady bits tight. "How many of us have had children?" She asked, raising her hand. I looked around as every other woman in the room raised their hand. "Well then we all know that we're just not the same down there after." "Am I right?" The women all started nodding in agreement. PREACH IT SISTER! (Note to self: do not have children) "Did you know your uterus can actually fall out?" She asked with a little more cheer in her voice than I think is appropriate when speaking of such terrible things
It was my childhood fears rushing back to me. Surely not. This woman was lying. Nonsense. Ridiculous. But she had me. I of course purchased the stupid ben wa balls anyway. And I spent the rest of the night googling "uterus falling out". I would prove that stupid woman wrong. It couldn't be!!!
To my Horror, I discovered that there is in fact a thing called a prolapsed uterus. And while it is not as horrific as a slug sliding down your leg, it can happen! Ok, ok, it doesn't fall OUT. But it can fall out a little bit, and it can cause some major shit. The news that it wasn't as terrible as I had pictured as a child was sadly, not as comforting as I thought it would be. It was as if someone had told me that yes, the boogie man was real. But instead of him sneaking into my room to kill me, he was sneaking into my room to wear my panties. Yes, panty wearing is not as bad as death, but it still left me feeling sad, and yucky inside.
This is to this day my biggest fear. Really. In the list of irrational fears it's like this:
1. Prolapsed uterus
3. Shark attack (Yes i know i live in utah, but there could be some freaky fresh water sharks!! You don't know!)
My next google search was preventing prolapse. Kagels, kagels, kagels, kagels. I'm not going to go into what they are, or how to do them. If you don't know, then you have bigger problems than a prolapsed uterus. Still, the moral to this gruesome tale is to always do your kagels!! Hell, i'm doing them now. I still worry about it. I can't pretend I don't. Yes, i know it's irrational. It's silly. But i can't help it. Every time I get a cold, I worry that my cough is going to cause it. Or that if I have a baby it's going to fall out. I worry still that when I'm lifting weights at the gym, the strain is going to mess me up. I worry. But i do my kagels. A lot. So at least i know it's not going to fall out while i wait in line for a movie.